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Saturday, 01 November 2008

i miss u

i miss you. really.
but you're not worth my time thinking of you.
but i still miss you.
somehow i don't hate you but myself of being so weak, and missing you.
what can i do? you would ask me to pray, i know.

Sunday, 27 July 2008

Praying

Going to aunt's church is always like going home. People speak the language i'm familiar with, and they share the love and food i enjoy so much. The pastor is awesome, too. He went to Westminster, so though he preaches mainly in Taiwanese, sometimes he explains certain terms in English; his English is perfect with an old-fashioned Japanese scholar accent, which i also like very much.
Recently i've prayed a lot. I pray when i leave and get home; I pray when i'm walking and running; I pray when I'm driving or riding a bus; I pray when I'm walking in the dark neighborhood or subway staion. Once I just jotted down what I said to the Lord whenever I prayed, and then I found I prayed about every thirty mins. I know God is walking with me, but sometimes I still feel He's playing hide and seek with me. No wonder people say we have to seek the Lord, seek the Lord...
We shall not question God, but I just can't help asking God "Why?~ Why?~" when i miss the bus three times a day, when i had to wait in Frankford Transportation Center for an hour and got home at 2:30 AM, when i was stalked on my way back to auntie's place, and when all the odds seemed to be against me. But I still pray. I still thank God for everything He grants me. By praying I remember the good parts of my life, and understand how truly blessed I am.
There are moments I feel I've had it up to here with all the difficulties. Strangely I haven't cried when confronting some challenges. Yet I did cry at two interesting moments. One was when uncle offered to help me move my stuff to the basement. I shed a few tears when he handed me a note saying he'd like to help. The other moment was when I played the piano the other afternoon. Somehow I just cried so hard after my practice. I guess it's b/c a lot of childhood memory just flushed back while I was playing. Oh, and after that sentimental meoment I left home to see what the neighborhood i might move into was like at night and came home at two thirty in the morning. What a wonderful life I have here!
Despite all these challenges: relationship, housing, job, visa status, money..., I still thank God for being with me and I know He will help me go through everything. Even though I don't know when or whether my prayer will be answered, I know God is helping me become a tougher person.

Saturday, 12 July 2008

in limbo

I never like to whine, for compared to many other people I can't be luckier. Yet recently I've found that I'm living in limbo. I'm in a religious limbo, as I've never been baptized. I'm in a geographical limbo, as I'm now staying in LA, just like between the heaven (Taiwan) and hell (Philly). And I'm in a relationship limbo, going nowhere from the status quo. It's so easy to hate him who's gone out with her so many times after we're apart. Then I was not surprised when he finally said let's break up. But it's so hard to hate him who still always says he loves/misses me. I know staying in LA for such a long time is my passive way of escaping it all from Philly where I have a lot of memory, and I also know it's not a good way to do so. What else can I do?
I should just remember something delightful, like my days in LA. On Wed. auntie took me to the Getty Museum, and before that we stopped by her friend's place in Malibu. The view from the house's living room deck was awesome. The deep, vast, and blue sea reflecting the sun light. The Getty Museum was an interesting place. While I indulged myself in those ancient Roman collections, I suddenly realized that I've never been to any art/antique museum or exhibition with him during our days in Philadelphia. That's funny. That's not like me. I was the kind of person who would schedule an afternoon to visit a museum/exhibition at least once a moth during my high school and college years. Oh yeah but we finally went to two Smithsonian museums in DC, the Mütter museum, and the Body World exhibition in LA. Though we've been to many other interesting and amazing places, it's a pity that he was not interested in museum. Oops I should just track down happy things. Then after the Getty Museum, we visited auntie's 87 (or 90?)-year-old friend, Bernie. She's an amazing old lady who has a fabulous big garden with hundreds of flowers, plants, and orchards in it. She lives alone coz her husband died early, and she has a studio at home that has dozens kinds of materials for her artcraft works. Her house was small but full of artistic and interesting stuff. I really admire her attitude of facing life difficulties positively. Her independence and optimism inspired me that it's not that dreadful to live alone or not getting married.
Tonight's visit to the Getty Center was incredible, too. It's so touching to encounter with Cézanne, Monet, Renoir, Gauguin, Degas, and Van Gogh. I don't know why but whenever I look at the real and original paintings of impressionism, especially oil paintings, I always feel like crying when looking closely at the lively and strong strokes the painters left on the canvas. I can feel the painter's breath when they touched the canvas with the brush full of unbelievable colors. I can feel the tremor of the canvas delivered through the painter's wooden brush in their clutching fingers. Two hundred years has passed but how lucky I am I seem to be communicating with them through the touches of paints. That's why I also love antiques. I never ride a time machine, but the moment I look at a sculpture from, say, the Mesopotamian era, I've traveled back to the very second when it's made. My life is short, but the thinking and imagination in my head is limitless. Two hundred years ago Van Gogh never knew his painting would be gazed at by a girl from Taiwan. Two thousand years ago the goldsmith by the Nile River never knew the earings he made would be sent to Penn Museum and liked by a Taiwanese girl who had originally not planned to go to a reception held in that museum.
What a beautiful encounter, isn't it?

Saturday, 28 June 2008

Under the Californian Sun

Life is always full of surprises, like I never expected to come to LA this summer, and never thought my stay here could be so pleasant. At first i was very reluctant to fly here with Antony because i was fed up with being interrupted by her phone calls during our trip. Every time when I began to feel more secure about the relationship, his phone would ring and his delighted voice talking with her would perfectly shatter the castle I had just built up. So when he wanted me to go to LA with him and travel for a few days before he went home, I was really pissed off. I couldn't stand any more trip haunted by her. But somehow i still gave in, feeling i'm a chess in his hand. Anyway then we traveled to many incredible places, visited friends, and had a lot of great food. The trip with him was generally great, only if I pretened to be deaf when he's talking with her. I'm not sure if i was happy with him, but i was sure I've seen and experienced a great deal of new stuff.
After he went home, I feel a little lost on the one hand, but on the other hand I've experienced some sort of freedom I haven't had for years. I can decide where to go today when I get up in the morning. I can choose where/when/what to eat when I'm hungry. I can decide what to wear depending on my mood today. When I step out of my aunt's house, Californian sunshine/sunset greets me with pleasant breeze. When I step in the house, their cute puppy, Fugu, run toward me and aunt/uncle is preparing food for me. I feel very grateful to them, and thank God for giving me such a wonderful time without much worries in LA. I still remember last winter when I stayed here before Christmas, I was in an emotional turmoil, but my aunt's love and great food were the best medicine. Although I didn't know something worse was unfolding before me, at least I've gained some energy from them. It's been half a year from then, and many more things have changed. The only thing that remains the same is the sense of security I have when I stay in this house. Last winter was the coldest ever to me, and I cried almost every night. However, now when I stay in the same room again, I feel so peaceful and carefree. To some extent the same problem still exists, but I've regained my ability to heal through God's and family's love.
Another amazing thing is when I read the Reader's Digest on the shelf in this room, i found that i've read them before when I visited, in 1994. That was fourteen years ago! At first I just felt why the jokes in many issues are so familiar to me. I doubt if I've eread them somewhere else. Then when I read a story that I still remember I've read in RD, I was stunned. Years have passed but I still remember the plot, or even certain sentences from that story. And I still remember how I felt about the US when I was reading those stories as a kid. Exotic. English. Far far away. As a kid I never knew I would pick up the same book and feel so amazed fourteen years later. As a little girl I never thought one day I would drive on that American highway "I-95" mentioned in a story. Then as I revisited those story after so many years, I am so awed by how fast time passes, yet how our memory can be either condensed or connected through the flow of time.

Friday, 27 June 2008

Chess

Recently I've been listening to an old song very often, Faye Wong's "Chess." The song is about being controlled by the other in a relationship, just like the chess who can't make the move by itself. Ha! It's totally my song. So if it's gonna be him, I need to put up with many things and terrible s*x for the rest of my life. But he cried like a baby when he had to leave me. And he begged me not to leave when I was deeply hurt by him. If I just follow my heart, I couldn't stay any longer. If I act out of my ration, I have to stay to make him happy. Yet I'm like a lifeless chess that's not able to move by itself. Now I suddenly understand why he's so good at Chinese chess. This explains all.